ADHD and Letting Go of Self-Doubt

Today, I aim to write a better post than yesterday.

Today, I am returning to writing my novel.

Today, I choose to believe good things come from consistent effort.

After reading a post two days ago by (In Pursuit of Artistry EP5: Daydreaming (& Self-Sabotage)), I have been reflecting on the role self-doubt has played in my life. Time and again I have begun writing only to grind to a halt as my inner critic slowly inches its way back into my inner monologue. This inner critic reminds me of the times before that I have abandoned projects, and offers many plausible reasons for why what I am working on is bad and futile. It accuses me of a lack of discipline; of a general inability to complete anything, which seems to be my fatal flaw.

These thoughts do damage. I start to feel selfish and ashamed. An ache grows in my heart. I take a break from writing and distract myself with something that feels better; something that can produce an immediate sense of accomplishment like video games, cleaning the house, or lending a hand to help someone else.

A lot of this simply ties back to the fact that I have ADHD. I was only recently diagnosed at 32 years old. I am 34 now, so this is still a relatively fresh revelation.

In the months after getting diagnosed, I began to realize that a significant portion of my struggles are caused by executive dysfunction and low levels of dopamine. Many routines and organizational strategies don’t work well for me because I am not motivated in the same way as a non-ADHD person. I don’t receive the same level of positive feelings from accomplishing something, and I need the help of medication to really thrive. Sometimes I become completely disconnected from being able to perceive time accurately; I frequently over-or-under estimate how long something will take, and time itself can feel like it is moving slower or faster depending on where my brain is at in the moment. I am always chronically late or way too early. I get hyper-focused, but often not on what I planned to be working on.

None of these experiences bode well for trying to live and work in a society that prioritizes organization, predictability, outward achievement, timeliness, schedules, deadlines, and fast results.

I have been working on accepting that much of my self-perceived failure is due to not being able to meet these expectations because of my ADHD, but doubt and shame still find their way in. The body remembers how missing a deadline or forgetting to return a phone call feels. The wound still smarts at not meeting personal or external goals. The dust and dirt of unfinished projects and never-ending to-do lists settles into the corners and crevices of my soul. It all builds up as a heaviness that weighs me down a little more everyday.

Sometimes, I need a reset.

In my last post, I shared how meditation offered me a reset this past week.

And discovering I have ADHD was a pretty huge reset for me.

So, I am embracing today as a reset. Why not, after all?

I’m clearing the cache of self-doubt that has built up this year. I was writing several poems a week prior to the last couple of months! Though I may have slowed to a halt recently, ‘past-me’ has generated enough work to schedule posts until I get up to speed again.

ADHD is not a superpower as some people think. But—I do like who I am, and that includes my ADHD. I am who I am, in part, because of ADHD. And my diagnosis actually helped me to accept that I am not gifted with superwoman powers. It made me admit to myself that I cannot be the perfect worker, mother, wife, writer, daughter, friend, event organizer, activist, etc. all at the same time. Definitely not while also somehow managing to look completely put together. But these are the expectations that American society places on women. Do it all, and do it for less pay and/or free.

In reality, there is no woman, man, or non-binary person gifted with the ability to do all of that. These are unrealistic and cruel expectations. And ADHD makes it so that I cannot even appear to pull it off in order to participate in furthering the myth. The best I can manage is slowly ghosting every person and commitment in my life so that no one can witness me catastrophically fail.

In this way, learning that I have ADHD has given me a gift. It has made it easier for me to let this false idea of who I should be—go.

But the voice in my head, and in all of our heads, stressing us out when we don’t meet these impossible expectations is really—the inner critic.

*gasp*

Yes, the same voice that berates you for skipping a writing day, or having 37 unfinished projects and that is why “you will never be a real writer or author or artist.”

The inner critic is not rational, not matter how much it pretends that it is absolutely rational. It may have a place in life, but that place is not influencing major life decisions.

Just as no one can live up to impossible societal standards, no one can be a perfect creative machine. Just as I should allow myself freedom to do things differently because of my ADHD, we all should give ourself grace and freedom wherever we are at in our work. We write bad stuff. We write good stuff. We abandon projects. It is all okay.

Even if you, dear friend, do not have ADHD—let this be your sign to accept the freedom of giving up impossible ideals. Whether as a member of society, a writer, a creative, or as a human being.

What can you do to clear the self-doubt that may exist in your mind and body today?

How might you appreciate the work you have already done?

I hope you find some encouragement here, and perhaps this post can begin a period of reset for you.

Kerri